Monday, October 4, 2010
4 October 2010
Today was my first day to babysit for the cuteness that is Beckett. He is 3 months old. And adorable. And he taught me a lesson. Let me rewind.
Last night was just a hard night for my heart. Incredibly frustrating. I couldn't sleep. My mind kept racing with untrue thoughts of God. It literally felt like Satan was shooting fiery arrow after fiery arrow - it all seemed out of nowhere. But strangely, wonderfully, I felt God's presence. As I prayed through this time, I knew that He was holding on to me; faithful and loving as always.
Then this morning I got to babysit the above mentioned adorableness. :) He was so sweet this morning, and in such a good mood. Giving me cute little smiles... Oh my! I started out holding him during his playtime, but then thought he might want to lay down on his cute John Deere tractor blanket. Well, he didn't. He absolutely did not. He was inconsolable. And the funny thing is, I really wanted to just hold him. Who doesn't love baby holding time? But I thought it would be better for him to lay down. But he certainly didn't!
It made me think of last night, and how I felt with all of my doubts, and how I knew that God loved me and was protecting me, but how my soul couldn't just be still, be calm. Just like my little buddy Becks. And I was thinking how funny it was with this little boy; how I didn't even want to put him down, but thought I was doing it for his good, and how he seemed to not like it at all! And that when I picked him back up, it took him quite awhile to calm down - even when I held him close and tried my hardest. (although, and this messes with my analogy a little bit, he may have just been cranky and tired!*).
And I just can't help but be in awe of God's patience with me. To think of how He sees me struggle; with sin, with trust, with hardheartedness - and yet He remains infinitely patient with me - perfectly and lovingly patient - all the while working all things out for my good, despite myself. Oh how thankful I am that in Christ I am now God's daughter, and that He delights to treat me this way!
By the way, Emily left me the perfect lunch for such a cold, rainy day. :) (that's chili, if you can't tell).
I had a second first today - cleaning my church. I'm doing it this week while the regular folks are on vacation (not by myself, by the way). I had it relatively easy, getting to clean the sanctuary - which by the way took 6 hours, and I wasn't even done when I left (but almost!).
It was humbling. Incredibly humbling. I'm vacuuming and dusting and taking out the trash and picking up cheerios from the floor - and I'm thinking "did I go to grad school for this??" It's a funny dichotomy to be aware of being humbled during the actual act of it, and to be grateful at the exact same time. Very odd and strange and wonderful... and humbling. ;)
I am constantly and gratefully amazed at how (yes, I'm using this word) DELIBERATE God has been with teaching me over the past few years. I feel very well cared for - as if He is pursuing me to know Him better. Yeah... thankful.
*Ha! I just reread this and had the thought "maybe I was just cranky and tired!"